Having a dog is obviously awesome. They are freaking pumped and do their bean dance where they fold their body in half and run around in a circle whenever you get home. They protect you from not only scary people that could possible break into your house and kidnap you (PTSD), but also from squirrels, birds, other dogs, and the rain. (BIG emphasis on the squirrels.)
But, there are some moments of pure awkward hell that is specific to being a dog owner. (WARNING post contains stories about dog poop)
1. When you’re walking your dog and they decide to squat and take a massive poop ONLY when the one other person who’s out happens to walk by.
2. And to one up that, when your dog has vicious explosive diarrhea and that person walking by makes eye contact with you, both of you knowing there is no way you’ll be able to pick that up with the small doggy bag in your hand.
3. When your dog and cat are having a boxing match in front of the sliding glass door while you’re vacuuming. Nothing gets the adrenaline and epic assholey-ness out of your animals more than when you put the fear of god in them by turning on the vacuum. And then while vacuuming you notice two pedestrians standing near your glass door with these looks like, “Is this woman aware her animals are about to maul each other to death? Should we like, break through the glass or something?” To which I wave and smile and with one arm I pick up the cat who is clawing my flesh trying to get the “h” out of my arms and nonchalantly close the blinds. (Preface, Molly and Wesley would never hurt each other, but they do like to take out their frustrations on one another whenever the vacuum is on, you know, like any typical siblings.)
4. When you leave to go shopping and your dog LOSES it. You’d think she’d know by now that whenever I leave I ALWAYS come back. But no. This one day in particular her "Molcifer" side was especially coming out and it just so happens our new neighbor was out on his porch watering his plants. I momentarily considered pretending I was deaf but instead decided to mutter a quick “sorry” followed by a smile. The gesture was not returned, to which I bowed my head in shame and walked/jogged to the parking lot avoiding eye contact and realizing that now whenever he's outside I have to wait until he's gone to leave.
5. When your friend comes over and your dog will NOT get her nose out of your friend's crotch. And then when your friend sits down and your dog immediately jumps in her lap, looking up at her with these eyes that say, "don't worry baby, I knew you sat down because you wanted to cuddle me." (Somehow it always seems to be the friends who aren’t into animals too).
6. When you’re walking your dog around the outlet mall and there’s a man sitting down, hunched over, looking at his cell phone between his knees. And then your dog nonchalantly dips under his arms, licks his face, and keeps walking like it was no big deal. To which the man looks up at you with wide eyes, not quite understanding what just happened.
What are some of your embarrassing moments from being an animal mom/dad?