I had a hard time connecting with Madelyn in utero, but the moment the midwife placed her on my chest I felt this deep and instant love. From the moment we officially met I felt like we’ve always known each other and were destined to find one another again. We’ve had such a close relationship that there are now two things I constantly worry about. The first is that the new baby and I won’t be as close as I am with Madelyn, that I wont have that same instant connection. And the second, is that the baby and I will be really close and Madelyn will feel left out or forgotten.
Everyone I’ve talked to says they had the same fears before their second child came and it all turned out okay, but no matter what anyone says I still feel so unsure of how everything will play out. I think it’s the whole unknown, not knowing who this baby will be and not knowing what our lives will look like is terrifying. I constantly fear this baby will be as colicy and difficult as Madelyn was, that I won’t sleep through the night for another 18 months after she’s born. I worry that Madelyn will digress with her potty training again.
I’m so scared that Madelyn will feel left out and forgotten. That she’ll act out in hopes of getting attention and I won’t respond in the best way because of how stressed/sleep deprived I’ll be. I don’t want to permanently damage my relationship with her; I want to stay as close and connected as we’ve always been. But there is a huge change coming and I know it won’t be the same and we may never be as close as we are now because my attention will be permanently divided.
I mourn the fact that Madelyn won’t be the center of both our attention all the time. I fear that she won’t get enough attention; she’ll feel lonely, confused, and angry. I worry that their age gap will be too big and they won’t ever play together or be friends until they’re adults.
I worry that because Madelyn was such an easy going toddler (until recently) that this baby will be extremely difficult, defiant, and a runner (plllllease don’t be a runner little baby!!!!). I struggle with the fact that I’ll have two very different children that will require different parenting and I’m afraid I won’t be able to change how I parent.
I feel so much excitement for this baby and I feel excited for Madelyn to have a sister, but there is still so much fear and anxiety. The closer I get to my due date the more anxious I feel about how this will play out.
This time around I feel much more confident in my ability to take care of a human/baby, the fears are so different with the first child verse the second child. I know my heart will grow and somehow it will all workout but man, the unknown is so very terrifying.